Abby's Story - Part 15: Siblings for Abby

Many people have asked us if we will adopt again. We definitely want more kids. I would like to have 6 kids (that is not necessarily Ryan's desire) but we'll see how it goes. It took us 6 years of trying for kids before we got Abby, 2 1/2 of which we were trying to adopt. I don't want my kids spaced 6 years apart, or even 2 1/2 years. So, we have never stopped trying for more kids or searching for kids to adopt. That is why I haven't shut down our adoption blog (I will update it with Abby info some time soonish.) However, unless we miraculously find another baby we will have to wait a year from the time we adopted Abby to officially begin the adoption process again. That means that we can't apply for adoption until it has been a year. But like I said, if we somehow got connected with birth parents that wanted us to adopt their child before then we could (feel free to spread the word :) ). We would happily take another child today, tomorrow, whenever. We have no limit. But we have also learned to trust in the Lord's timing for when children join us, and we are loving Abby fully, so we are not yet feeling super anxious about having more kids, at least not yet.

I don't know if this is how it will work out but I feel like we will adopt at least one more child and then have one or 2 biological children. Like I said, I don't know if that will happen, I just feel it. I am also open to the possibility of adopting a sibling pair or group later. Ryan and I haven't really talked about that, I just think about it sometimes. So anyway, the answer to the question of will we adopt more children is ABSOLUTELY, if we could be so lucky. I hope that Abby will be blessed with multiple siblings, but we'll have to see how many the Lord plans on, and when, and how they will join our family. For now, she has Penny. We love our little family!

Abby's Story - Part 14: Amanda's Adjustment

When people have asked me about adjusting in relation to Abby it hasn't so much been about my adjustment to being a parent as how am I adjusting to staying home with Abby rather than working. But I am still going to tell about my adjustment to parenthood, and then I'll tell about being at home.

I don't think adjusting to parenthood was quite as difficult for me as it was for Ryan, but I did struggle with many of the same things he did, and others. The things that were most difficult for me were:
1) Adjusting to lack of sleep. I felt like a zombie sometimes. Now she sleeps through the night (or at least stays in her crib through the night - perhaps she does wake up but she's in her own room now so I can't say for sure) so I am well rested.
2) Adjusting my expectations for my productivity. When Abby was colicky I couldn't set her down without her screaming. Even if she was good and asleep if I set her down she would wake up within 10 minutes and scream. So I had to be okay with the only thing I accomplished being holding my baby all day. Once I made that adjustment her colic didn't bother me as much - I just worried that she wasn't getting enough good, quality sleep.
3) Adjusting to being responsible for another person. Getting Penny (our dog) 6 months before Abby helped a lot with this because she has tied us down a little bit. We travel a lot and also just do thing in the area a lot and before we had either of them we could easily meet after work somewhere and stay our for a while or head up to Ryan's parents from work or various things. But we have to make sure Penny gets fed and walked (we feed and walk her every morning and night) and taken care of. But Abby needs more care. I can't run errands easily because I have to take her in to every building, even if I am only going to be in there for a minute. I can't easily plan to go out with Ryan as just us. (We have actually only been on one date without Abby - other than when his parents have watched her while we go to the temple - since she came home, it was for our anniversary.) We need to do that more probably but it is easier to take her with us then to try to find someone to babysit. Ryan and I love going on trips and have always gone on several a year but we don't have anywhere we want to go for just a few days, we need at least a week in each place and so we are having to decide if it is worth going with Abby since she requires a lot of sleep or if we should put of trips or find other places to travel or what.
I know these things are not unique, and for some people they may not be a big deal, but they are what has been hard for me.

So, I am not sure where to start with explaining my adjustment to being home. I guess I will start by saying it has not been hard for me. I love being home with Abby. I am having to figure out how to use my time productively while taking care of her and prioritize, but I am happy to stay home with Abby. I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I worked because I felt like it would be irresponsible to not, and because I would have gone crazy if I was home alone for a long period of time, but I don't feel home alone when I have Abby. I like being with people. I like people, I like having friends, I love my family. But I am not a big talker. Even when I am with people I almost always spend much more time listening than talking. I don't make phone calls - not because I don't want to connect with people, but I can't think of a reason to call people, because I don't talk much. Ryan always tells me I should talk more, that I am the female and should have a lot to say when he gets home, but I don't. So it is okay with me if I spend the day with a baby that can't carry on a conversation. Once Abby decides on a sleep schedule I will probably try to get out more and be more social - but that is more because I think it is a good thing to do than because I am unhappy in my current situation (because I am not unhappy.) I also am not the kind of person that gets cabin fever. I am find with being in my house all week. (I also am not a home-body - I do not feel like I need regular stretches at home. I love being on vacation and never feel a need to return home and when I was working I was fine if my evenings and weekends were filled with stuff away from the house. I am pretty much content wherever I am, as long as I get regular time with my people.) So basically, it is not in my nature to have a hard time being at home and I love Abby. I feel so blessed not only to be a mom but to be her mom - she is a fun little girl and I never tire of spending time with her.

Another aspect of the question though is whether I miss working. And the answer to that is yes. I love teaching. I love doing research. I loved that I got paid to do both. I love learning and I was getting paid to learn - what a deal! But I don't wish I was doing that instead. I was a biology teaching major as an undergrad. I did my student teaching during my last semester of college and had a great experience. I taught 2 AP bio classes, an AP lab, 3 freshman bio classes, and a resource bio class. I loved all my classes. I love teaching biology. What greater thing could someone learn about than life? I loved teaching my students and I loved it when I could tell that something that had been previously confusing to them finally made sense. I was happy and fulfilled. And then I got my mission call. And I was anxious to start my mission. I still loved teaching biology, and I was still happy, but I wanted to teach the thing that was greater than learning about life - I wanted to teach people about Christ and the plan of salvation. As a missionary I loved teaching people those things. I will never forget the first time I taught someone about the atonement and the change that made for him - the peace that came. But even though I loved being a missionary I missed teaching in the classroom. I didn't wish I was there, but I missed it. That is how it is for me now. I love what I am doing and would not change it if I could (and I could if I wanted), but I do miss what I did. But being with Abby is so worth it. And really, I feel sad for working moms (dads too actually - I always feel sad for Ryan when he has to go to work.) I would be so sad if I missed Abby growing up. I love watching her learn and do new things. Every day is something new and I feel so blessed that I get to experience it all with her!

Abby's Story - Part 13: Ryan's Adjustment

I should probably let Ryan tell his own tale about his adjustment to being a dad. And if I thought he ever would write about it on here I would be happy to let him. But I have serious doubts that he ever would, so I will do my best to be as complete and honest as possible :). There has been a lot to adjust to, here's how it went (from my perspective.)

1) Visitors

I've mentioned in previous posts that we had a lot of visitors the first few weeks we had Abby home. Not only because our families were excited to be with Abby but also because we were both working full time and I needed help. I enjoyed having the people around and Ryan did too - he was especially grateful for their help. But it was an adjustment to not have the time to our selves that we were used to.

2) Crying

Abby is so much better now, but she used to cry A LOT. Abby cries loudly, very high-pitched, very big tears. It is a heart-breaking cry that can't be ignored. And she didn't sleep well. It took usually an hour and half each time to get her to go to sleep and even then she wouldn't always stay asleep for more than a few minutes. She didn't cry non-stop when she was awake, but usually if she wasn't crying it was because you were holding her. And lots of times she was crying even when you were trying to soothe her. Ryan can only hear out of one ear and her screaming would make his ear ring. I would always encourage him to wear ear plugs to protect the only ear he can hear from. Her crying was difficult. I don't know if you can ever fully adjust to your baby crying. There were a few times we just couldn't handle it anymore and after doing everything we could think of to help her we would just have to put her in another room - but that was still hard. There were times of great frustration and we were glad we'd seen the movie at the hospital about colic and shaken baby syndrome. We never got to the point of doing anything like that, but we could sympathize with the parents. It was super hard. But we have gotten better and reading her cues and knowing how to soothe her. And we've adjusted somewhat to her crying.

3) Sleep (or lack there-of)

Abby is an awesome sleeper now, but she wasn't always. She used to get up several times a night and stay up for 1 1/2 to 2 hours a time. Sometimes she was happy when she was awake but sometimes she'd scream the whole time. Since I wasn't working once the semester ended our deal was that I would get up with her Sunday - Thursday nights and Ryan would get up with her Friday and Saturday. I am not sure I have ever been so tired. I could feel it in my scalp. It was crazy. But even though Ryan didn't get up with her as much as I did he wasn't ever able to sleep in and even when I got up with her he still often woke up when she cried in the night. We were both exhausted. I don't think we adjusted to our lack of sleep. We just endured it until things got better :).

4) Time

We were married for 9 years before becoming parents. I am not sure people who have kids soon after being married can understand what it is like for those of us who have to wait a while (just as I am sure we don't understand what it would be like to have kids your whole marriage.) But there were a lot of things that we were just used to. We were used to coming home and having the evening to get things done. We were used to being able to go out on dates or on vacations without a lot of forethought. We  were used to having our weekends free to run errands, work at the temple, etc. And we were used to being each other's whole lives. 

As you probably know, babies take a lot of time. The first few weeks we had her and I was still working we really didn't get anything done. It was a stressful time. We felt like we were always behind.  A little after the semester ended I was trying to induce lactation so I could nurse Abby. That combined with just taking care of Abby took ALL my time. So I didn't get anything done during the day and when Ryan would get home in the evening we would both try to get our stuff done but between walking Penny (our dog) and taking care of Abby there was no time. 

Things are better now that Abby is feeling better and does a better job sleeping but we have also adjusted our expectations for how much we think we should be able to accomplish. But the lack of time to do our things required an adjustment.

5) Stuff

If you know Ryan well at all you will know he is neat. Neat as in very tidy. I don't know any guy that is neater than Ryan. If it were up to him our bed would be made every day. He always has things put away and a place for everything. He doesn't like things around. For example, we don't keep a toaster on our counter, it is in the pantry. The only appliances on our counters are our microwave and Kitchen Aid. He reads the newspaper every morning but always puts it away when he is done. I have never made him a "Honey Do" list because he is always ahead of me. He doesn't like to have a lot of stuff on the walls and he doesn't like to have a lot of furniture. He likes open space. It makes him feel comfortable - like he has more room to move around. He is an extremely neat minimalist.

Babies are accompanied by a lot of stuff. Within the first week or so of having Abby we had a pack-n-play, a swing, a stroller, a bouncey chair, a crib, boppy pillow, podster, tons of clothes and blankets and burp rags, baby bath, etc., etc. etc. It seemed like things would arrive for her every day. I loved it, it made me so happy to know so many people were thinking about us and excited for us. And Ryan really did appreciate all the thoughtfulness. But having a lot of stuff around for Abby has been an adjustment. We have also since gotten a rocking chair. The adjustment was hard for Ryan, but he seems to handle it pretty well now. He will frequently go through and put Abby's stuff in one section of our living room or things like that. He understands that it is good to have all this stuff and he enjoys using it.

   

6) Now

Ryan loves being Abby's dad. Now that she is feeling better and sleeping well she is the happiest, most fun baby. She's very social and very interactive. Ryan misses her when he's at work. He loves to get her up in the morning. He plays with her as soon as he gets home. He keeps her during church (while I am busy doing my Primary calling.) He feeds her and pushes her stroller when we go on our nightly walk with Penny and he just loves on her. And she loves him too. Life is good now. We are a happy little family. It took a little while to adjust but we feel blessed and Ryan is an awesome dad!!!

Abby's Story - Part 12: Miracles

So many things had to line up in order to bring Abby into our lives, so many miracles. I am sure I will miss some as I sit here thinking about them, so I'll just have to add to this list later. But here's a start:

1) Ryan and me meeting and getting together. That in itself has a whole list of miracles, things that if they hadn't worked out how they did we wouldn't be together. But luckily, we are, and quite happily.

2) The creation of Abby. As someone who has gone to great efforts to try to create a life I have to say that I stand in awe of each little miracle baby. With all that has to be timed just right in order to conceive a child it is amazing that we have so many people on this earth. And not only to conceive, but then to carry the baby until it is developed enough to be born, another miracle. And when the delivery is successful and both the baby and mother make it through alive - another successful miracle!

3) That we are in Texas, and particularly the Metroplex. When Ryan and I were dating he was applying for jobs all over the country and I was applying for school all over. This was the only place we both got offers. So we came. We wouldn't have gotten Abby if we weren't here.

4) That I switched career plans. I have wanted to be a veterinarian my entire life (this desire has not gone away.) In particular, I want to be a dentist for exotic animals. (I tell people I want to be an exotic animal dentist but they think something different than what I am meaning I think :) .)  But to do that it would take not only years of school, but also a LOT of money. I knew that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. So I couldn't justify the expense of the schooling to become an exotic animal dentist. I also love teaching, and I love the brain, and I love learning. So I switched to being a neuroscientist. I had a hard time coming to grips with completing graduate school and not having kids because I had never intended to work. Since I didn't have kids I figured I should work. I again was faced with the fact that I really wanted to be an exotic animal dentist, but I couldn't be, and I couldn't be a mom (what I REALLY wanted to be), so I worked as a neuroscientist. Had I not made that switch in careers, we wouldn't have Abby.

5) After I graduated I did a post-doctorate at the Center for Brain Health. A post-doc is basically just a period of time where you work in someone else's lab but you get to focus fully on doing research (rather than also having to include teaching and taking classes like in grad. school.) Ideally you are also publishing a lot during this time. I started out as a part-time post-doc, and since my mentor wasn't really a mentor at all it took me quite a while to teach myself fMRI (along with learning about brain differences related to autism and healthy aging) and get my two studies up and running. Just when I was ready to actually get papers written from my research my lab ran out of money and almost all of us were let go. I did all I could to find a way to stay at the center so I could complete all I had been working on, but it didn't happen. Had I stayed, we wouldn't have Abby.

6) I was hired at TCU. I can't remember if it was while I was interviewing or during our beginning of the semester social I told one of the other professors in our department that we were wanting to adopt. If I hadn't been hired at TCU and if I hadn't told that person that we wanted to adopt we wouldn't have Abby.

7) We've been trying to have kids for 6 years. We started the adoption process 2 1/2 years before becoming parents. People don't have a hard time understanding why if you want kids you don't do every single thing possible to get them as soon as possible. For example, I know it was hard for some people to understand why we didn't go through with in vitro (we had done everything up to that point.) Or why we didn't try different adoption agencies or different websites that help birth parents find adoptive parents. And the only answer we could give was that it didn't feel right to do anything else. That we had prayed daily for direction on how to receive our children. I knew that we would have to wait to get our kids. But could we have done more? Yes. Would we have had kids earlier if we'd done more? Maybe. Maybe we could have conceived a kid through in vitro. Or maybe if we had gone another route we'd have been able to adopt earlier. But if we'd had any children any earlier than we did, we wouldn't have Abby.

8) The family that her birth mother picked out to adopt her backed out. I don't know them, and I do not mean to judge them, but I am still shocked how quickly they backed out. There were complications during Abby's delivery. There was a chance that she could have life-long problems because of it. But within a day of her delivery they backed out, not even waiting to see if her prognosis would improve. If they had stuck around even a day or two longer they may have changed their minds, and we wouldn't have Abby.

9) Abby is healthy!!! Aside from her dairy problems Abby is healthy in every way. And she is smart and wonderful and perfect. She is actually quite advanced for her age. She has met most milestones 1-2 months before average. She's this amazing, happy, healthy, wonderful little person. I mentioned before that when she was in the hospital Ryan gave her a blessing and in it she was told that she would have no lasting effects due to trauma surrounding her delivery, that it only happened to get her to her family. I firmly believe that.

10) Milk - I've told before about how my sister had been pumping and storing milk for 9 months before adopting Abby in hope and faith that we would receive our little miracle!

Like I said, I am sure there are more miracles that I will add later, but really, I love how God has a plan for us. And that even though we can't see the end from the beginning if we just follow Him and His direction He will give us blessings beyond our dreams. (Actually, here is another miracle. The day before Abby was born Ryan was given a blessing as part of his new church assignment. In it he was told that he would receive blessings beyond his dream. Just over a week later we knew we'd be parents - after a 6 year wait!) Abby was worth the wait and the pain and everything. I would do it all again for her. Love that little girl and so grateful to have her in our family!!!!

So, this is my 12th post about Abby and the blessing she has been to us. I can't think of anything else about her story to write about, but I am going to do some Q & A posts. So far the questions that people frequently have asked me (and which I will post about) are:
1) How has Ryan adjusted?
2) How have I adjusted to being at home?
3) Do we want to adopt more kids?
4) Is our adoption open? What is our relationship with Abby's birth mom? How often do we see her?

If you have any other questions you would like me to answer please leave it in the comments section and I would be happy to. I love talking about Abby and I don't get easily offended or anything so don't be shy :).