Abby's Story - Part 6: Rooming In

Thursday I had planned on attending a conference at the Center for Brain Health (where I had done my post-doc) so I had set up with my TAs for them to cover my lectures. Since I didn’t have to go in to work I decided I would rather be with Abby than at the conference, so I didn’t go. When I got the hospital at 8:30 Abby was asleep and I found that she did not have her feeding tube in – which meant she must have passed at least one of her feedings! I was super excited. When I was able to talk to her nurse I found out that not only had she passed all her feedings, she had surpassed most of them. She even ate 110mLs one time (60 was passing)! She was doing so awesome that I started to get really hopeful that she would come home within the next 2 days. And because of that I also really started hurting for Cheyenne. I increased the intensity of my prayers for her (I can only imagine how hard placement would be for a birth parent – so much love to be able to handle that much pain) and asked my family to do the same.

Cheyenne got there an hour or so after I did. Cheyenne had been asking for a few days for them to give Abby a bath. They had thought about doing it Wednesday afternoon but they didn’t want to exhaust her too much between feedings so that she would fail one. Then Cheyenne had left and they wanted her to be able to be there for it, so a little after she got there Thursday they brought in the baby bath. I thought the nurses were just going to do it but they let Cheyenne and me do it. It was fun! I don’t know if it was her first real bath or not, but I think so. I had a nurse video it – Cheyenne took some pictures. Abby liked the bath but hates being cold so the in and out were a little tricky. But I loved it – I loved getting to do things for Abby.

After her bath the lady came in to do Abby’s hand prints and foot prints. (With all the trauma related to her birth they hadn’t done any prints previously.) Abby did not like having her prints taken – they upset her a LOT. A little later the hospital social worker came in to talk to us. She had talked to Abby’s doctor so she knew we were getting close to rooming in and placement. She asked us questions about placement and who would be taking Abby home and who would be rooming in. She told Cheyenne that if she was going to do the rooming in and having Abby released to her that she needed to have a car seat and crib. And she asked me if I had those things. I did not. I had almost nothing. She also said they would probably start rooming in the next day and there would be 2 days of it. I was excited to know it could be happening soon, but sad because that meant she wouldn’t come home until Sunday. I knew my sister would be flying in Friday night, and my mom planned to too. I really wanted them to get to meet Abby and spend time with her, and I wanted to be able to spend time with them but still be with Abby as much as possible.

I left a little after Abby started eating again – Cheyenne was feeding her. I had important errands to run – I didn’t want my lack of car seat or crib to keep them from releasing Abby to us. I thought it would be more fun to shop with someone. Ryan was at work so I tried calling his mom to see if she wanted to go with me, but she didn’t answer (I found out later she was working). I then tried his sister. She was working from home and would have come, but it would have taken her so long to get ready and come to where I was that I would already be done. So I went on my own. I went to Buy, Buy Baby, Target, and Babies R Us. I bought a car seat and a pack n play. (That meant that the only thing I ad left to do so that I could take Abby home was to make a pediatrician appointment!) Then I went to Michaels. I wanted to make matching bracelets for Cheyenne and Abby so I got supplies for that. Then I hurriedback to the hospital. While I had been doing my errands our case worker came and talked with Cheyenne and the hospital social worker. Cheyenne left soon after I got back (just to run some errands – she’d had her mom bring her the clothes and things she’d need for the next 3 days) so I had some time to talk to our case worker. He said Cheyenne wanted some alone time with Abby and that she wanted to do the first night of rooming in alone but that I could be part of the second night. She was having a hard time letting go of the mommy role, which is very understandable - just wanted to hold on as long as possible. But even though I could understand why Cheyenne would want to be part of rooming in and everything I also really wanted Ryan to be part of it. I wanted him to be part of it as her father, I wanted to be able to share it with him, and I thought that if we were going to be the ones bringing her home we were the ones that needed to be able to take care of her. We thought he would be able to join us for the rooming in during the day, but only 2 people were able to stay over night, so he wouldn’t be able to participate in that part of it. Adoption is amazing and wonderful and I am so grateful for it. But there are some things about it that are hard. This kind of thing was hard for me; trying to feel like I was mom but at the same time having no say in anything that happened. Knowing Cheyenne was brave and selfless and amazing, but still having a hard time feeling like I could be completely open with my thoughts and feelings. I was always afraid I would say something that would bother her in some way – that would cause her to change her mind about placing with us, or placing at all. It was nothing Cheyenne did – I honestly believe Cheyenne has made adoption easier than any birth parent could. But it is just hard, probably just because of my own fears and insecurities.

Abby had failed the feeding she was eating when I left. But they were not too worried about it since the bath and the hand/foot prints wore her out. And she passed her next feeding, so I was happy about that. During these days in the hospital my life seemed to revolve around her feedings. I put so much effort and prayer into making sure she ate enough. I also fasted again on Thursday. I would try my hardest to keep her awake long enough to at least finish her 60mLs. I would tickle her feet, squeeze her thighs, unwrap her so she would get a little cold, try burping her. It sounds so mean, but I just wanted them to release her. I felt certain that if I got her home I would be able to make sure she got enough food. It was a stressful time, but it was also nice to get to be with her and know that she was getting the best care possible. Cheyenne had made Abby a bear at the Build-A-Bear in the hospital. I decided to make her the same bear. Before I made it I got the heart that would be put in it and had Abby hold it, kiss it, and placed it on her heart (and took pictures of all these things while Cheyenne was away.) I stayed with Abby (and Cheyenne after she came back) just long enough for Ryan to stop by and see her for a few minutes. Then we left leaving Cheyenne to spend the night with Abby.

I again struggled to sleep and so I made the bracelets for Cheyenne and Abby in the night. After I really got up and got going I decided to pack a suitcase just in case things worked out so that I spent the night at the hospital. I had some errands to run before going to the hospital. I wanted to give Cheyenne a gift at placement so I did some shopping to pick up the things I wanted to include.

Since it looked like we may be bringing Abby home soon I decided Thursday to email my TAs and give them a heads up on all that was going on. Since we had always felt so uncertain about everything we still hadn’t told people other than our immediate families that we would be parents soon, so it was all new to them. I am not sure they even knew we were trying to adopt. But I was asking them to cover my classes for me on Tuesday so I had to explain why. I offered to do some grading for them in exchange for their covering my Tuesday lectures. So I decided to stop by and pick up the grading on my way to the hospital.

While running errands my case worker called.  He said that the pediatrician really wanted Ryan to be part of rooming in (at least the second day of it), which meant Cheyenne couldn’t be. I wasn’t there when she was told that so I don’t know how she reacted, but I am sure it was hard on her. It is always hard for me when I am planning on something to have to change my plans, especially if it is something that is important to me. I felt sad for her. We still didn’t know if the rooming in would start that day (Friday) or the next. It depended on how she did over the next little while. And we didn’t know if it would take 2 days or 1.

Shortly after I got to the hospital Cheyenne went to an activity they were doing for parents of kids in the NICU – they had them make scrapbook pages. While she was gone the physician’s assistant came in to see how Abby was doing. She said she looked really good – so much better than she had the week before. She’d been doing good on her eating and gaining weight consistently. After consulting with the pediatrician they decided to start rooming in right away. They asked me if I would be able to start. I told them YES! I needed to make my pediatrician appointment but that was it. I had brought my suitcase in case I needed it (it was still in my car) and I was happy to begin the process of bringing my daughter home! I was so excited, but at the same time my heart was breaking for Cheyenne. They were ready to take off all Abby’s monitors right then but I asked them to wait until Cheyenne got back. I also asked them to get the hospital social worker to come talk to her. I knew it would be hard on her to know that her time with Abby was going to be cut short. It was already going to be a day shorter than she had expected with Ryan being a part of the rooming in process, but now with it being only one day and starting right away it would be even one day shorter than we had anticipated (we’d been thinking it wouldn’t really start until Saturday.)

They didn’t really wait until Cheyenne got back – they were taking the monitors off when she walked in. And they didn’t have a social worker talk to her – the nurse just told her rooming in was starting so they didn’t need to monitor her any more. I hurt for her! I don’t know why they didn’t act with more sensitivity. Cheyenne called her mom to tell her she would need to come pick her up that evening. Shortly after their conversation began Cheyenne left the room. She made adoption as easy for us as possible. She never cried in front of us or really expressed the struggle and pain she was going through. And she never took any of it out on us. I knew that she was crying some where as she talked to her mom and I wanted so much to be able to comfort her. But that is hard. It would be hard for anyone to comfort someone hurting like that – but when you are the one that is benefiting from the thing that is causing the pain it is harder. I wanted to explain to her how the atonement could help her, but we hadn’t yet had very spiritual or religious conversations. I wanted to be able to hug her and hold her, but we never touched. I wanted to be at a point in our relationship that I really could help her but we weren’t there yet. So I prayed more, and had my family pray.

Look - no monitors!

On a happier note I loved holding Abby without her being hooked up to monitors – to have her just be free. I loved feeding her without wires. Her first feeding of our “rooming in” she failed – she only ate 60mL. With rooming in they had upped the amount she was supposed to eat to 90. 90 on average – she didn’t have to eat that much every time. She had fallen asleep at 40 but I got her up to 60. I kept hoping she would eat more the next time. I kept the record of how much she ate and when. It was tempting to lie – but I didn’t.

When we woke up Friday morning we had no idea rooming in would start that day (or at least not what I’d be part of) or that Ryan would get to participate so he was in no way prepared. And we had our dog at home. Penny is used to 2 walks a day – with the evening one being pretty long. So after Ryan got off work he went straight home to eat, pack, and walk Penny. Cheyenne had gone home some time in the afternoon, so I had a lot of time with just Abby. I tried to get some work done but accomplished very little. I only completed outlines for the Tuesday lectures to give to my TAs. I did set up my pediatrician appointment. (I had no idea what pediatrician to use so I asked my friend, Candace. Since my sister had pumped all that milk for me she was sending it with our other sister, Missy. I didn’t know the best way for milk to travel so I had asked Candace who has also adopted and used donor milk. She was the only person other than my TAs and my family that I had told about Abby. So I also asked her about a pediatrician.) Mostly I just spent time with Abby. Although she generally had time staying awake long enough to eat for some reason she started having a hard time sleeping. One of her night nurses told us it was important for her to have time sleeping in her crib because she would get deeper sleep which she needed for brain development. So I kept trying to put her in her crib, but she’d wake up. So I held her a lot, and I walked around with her (which I enjoyed doing – I hadn’t been able to do that when she was attached to all her monitors and tube.) And I sang to her (the first song I sang to her was “I Stand All Amazed” – my favorite hymn.) I tried all I could to make sure she got the rest she needed so she’d have the necessary energy to eat all she needed to.

Sometime during the day they gave me wrist bands for Ryan and me to wear. These wrist bands signify that you are the parent of a child in the NICU. You can come and go whenever. You don’t have to leave when the shifts change. You can stay over night. The medical staff can tell you things about the baby (before the only way I was able to hear any test results or anything at all was if Cheyenne was in the room and they were telling her or if she told me.) I was excited to get my wrist band – a symbol that I was really going to be a mom!

During the time Ryan was driving home and taking care of things there my sister Missy and my mom flew in, got a rental car, dropped off all the milk from Maggi at Ryan’s parent’s, drove to our house and put some of the milk in our freezer (we only have the freezer attached to our fridge so weren’t able to store the tremendous stash Maggi sent). As soon as they finished putting the milk in the freezer they brought Ryan to the hospital (so we wouldn’t have to drive home from the hospital sepearately). It was right at the end of visiting hours when they got to the hospital but somehow my mom was able to talk them in to letting her and Missy come back for a few minutes anyway. They were only there for about 5 minutes, but it was good to see them and so exciting to introduce them to Abby!

After they left I went to get my suitcase out of the car. Before Ryan got there I hadn’t left the room for more than 2 minutes at a time (I wasn’t allowed to leave Abby alone). So I got my suitcase and I ate a chicken pot pie that Cheyenne had left for me (sweet girl – I hadn’t brought any food since I didn’t know I’d be staying so I was hungry – kind of. Actually, after fasting 2 days in a row Wednesday and Thursday my stomach had shrunken considerably so I could only eat a little at a time). Ryan had brought a movie we’d rented from the library and I had my laptop so we planned to watch it, but after feeding Abby we just tried to go to sleep. There was only one bed in the room – it was a couch that you slide out so the back rest becomes the other half of a twin size bed. We tried to both sleep on it. I was super hot and it was hard to get very comfortable. I think I fell asleep fairly quickly because I was just so exhausted but I only slept a little while. Then I got up and fed Abby some more. Then  Itried to sleep on the recliner-like chair.

Abby's Story: Part 5 - Tuesday and Wednesday

On Tuesday I had to teach so I was at work all morning and into the afternoon. Cheyenne took her GED test while I was at work. I don’t know how she did it. Two weeks before she had delivered Abby via c-section after 3.5 hours of pushing and since then had spent almost all her available time at the hospital. I don’t know how she had the time, energy, or strength to prepare for it – but she is awesome like that. I know she had planned to go see Abby after, and really wanted to, but she was too exhausted and so wasn’t able to. This also meant I wasn’t able to go, which I was very sad about. That has been the only day since meeting Abby that I didn’t get to be with her. I know there will be many more days that I am not with her, but I still wish I could have been that day.

I worried about Abby a lot while she was in the hospital. She occupied my thoughts consistently, which was rather distracting. It also made it difficult to sleep. From the time we met Abby until after we got her home from the hospital I never slept more than 4 hours a night. I would wake up thinking about her and couldn’t go back to sleep. I worried about her being at the hospital alone. Not because I thought they weren’t taking good care of her – I knew they were. I think if you have to have a baby in the NICU you can’t get a better hospital than Cooks. All the nurses I met were fantastic! But they have lots of babies to care for – they pretty much only hold them when they are feeding them. Abby was on a 3 hour feeding schedules – she was fed at 3:00, 6:00, 9:00, and 12:00. Since they would only try to get them to eat for 30 minutes max that meant she was only held 4 hours out of a day unless someone was there with her. It is good for their sleep to not hold them all the time, but babies also need physical contact, and I felt like she may not be getting enough. Also, as I said, I don’t think the nurses tried as hard as I would to get her to eat – and they even said parents are better at getting the kids to eat – not only because you try harder, but they can feel your love. I wanted to be there to help her eat and heal and develop – and I wanted to help her get out of the hospital because I wanted to bring my little girl home! So I really hated that Tuesday! I also had a hard time sleeping because I was just too EXCITED!!!

I started fasting for Abby on Wednesday. I met Cheyenne at the hospital fairly early in the morning and stayed there with her and Abby most of the day. Wednesday was a very eventful day. A very good day. For one thing, she got a new doctor. I liked her previous doctor fine but he didn’t seem to be doing anything to help her progress. He just tracked her progress. The new doctor decided they needed to take a tough love approach to her eating – she took the feeding tube out. I was thrilled! The whole time I had been wondering why they weren’t doing that. I thought they were a little ambitious with how much they wanted Abby to consistently eat any way, but it seemed to me that she would have no motivation to increase her eating if after every failed eating (i.e. when she wouldn’t eat all they wanted her to) they fed her the remainder of her bottle through her tube. She would never really feel hunger that way. This doctor said that they would keep the tube out as long as she consistently ate 60mL on average with a goal of 90mL per feeding. (If she failed 3 feedings in a row they would put the tube back in.) She also had to consistently gain weight. She also said that if she was able to do that for 24 hours she would be released within 1-2 days after. Yippee!

Look - no tube!

She also told us about the “rooming in” process. In order to make sure the parents are going to be successful at caring for their babies after bringing them home they had parents spend 1-2 days taking care of the baby completely on their own, but while at the hospital. With Cheyenne maintaining her parental rights until Abby was 30 days old it was decided then that she would do the first day of the rooming in herself and then I would join her for the second day.

I talked to Cheyenne about having me put on the list of people that could visit Abby whenever. She talked to the nurse about it and they ended up putting Ryan and me both on, which was great! That made it so we didn’t have to always make sure Cheyenne was there, and so I could stay later at the hospital without breaking rules.

Abby ended up failing her first feeding after her tube was removed but they said it wasn’t a surprise since she had been awake for a long time at that point with her bath and the tube removal so they weren’t concerned. But I started praying that she would do a good job eating – I did not want them putting the tube back in!

I don’t remember what time Cheyenne left, but I stayed longer. I didn’t want to leave Abby before I had to. I planned to do whatever it took to make sure she passed all her feedings. Since Ryan was added to the list he was able to come by the hospital on his way home from work. He was only able to be there for a few minutes before we both had to leave. (Even though we were both on the list only parents could be there during shift changes – we weren’t parents yet.) But he was there long enough to give Abby a blessing. It was amazing! He told her that she would be strong and continue to heal. Also, that she will have no lasting problems due to the complications she has faced and that the reason for the complications was so she could get placed where she was meant to be. I got teary. I’m so grateful for the priesthood and for a husband that honorably uses it to bless others.

Before we left we met Abby’s night nurse. I loved her! I felt confident she would try really hard to get Abby to eat through the night. There would only be 3 feedings before I could get back to her so as long as she passed one of them I thought I’d be able to make sure she didn’t get her tube back in. I left hoping that she would be cleared for release (really for rooming in) the next day.

Abby's Story - Part 4: Easter and Bonding

The next day was Easter. Our ward (church congregation) is from 1:00-4:00 right now which makes it difficult to get together with family after (we never get to Grapevine earlier than 5:30 or 6). We wanted to be able to spend more time with Ryan’s family so we planned to go to Sacrament Meeting with them, which also starts at 1. We met Cheyenne and Cathy at the hospital around 10:30 I think. We knew we couldn’t stay long because we had to drive back to our house (about 25 minutes away) to pick up Penny (our dog), drive to Grapevine, drop Penny off at Ryan’s parent’s, and then to church. All that driving would take at least an hour and a half. We figured we could stay with Abby about an hour.

When we got there we found that some nurse had made bows for all the baby girls in the NICU. Abby’s was HUGE – it was purple and green. They also put little Easter baskets in each room. I thought it was very sweet.

She was sleeping when we got there so we had to wait a while for her to wake up. It was good to have time at the hospital with Cathy and Cheyenne so we could get to know them better. We had actually met Cheyenne back in August or September. She came with Cathy to a department social. I guess she was pregnant at that time, but she didn’t know it yet. I remembered meeting her there, but we hadn’t talked much. We talked quite a bit at the hospital.

Once Abby woke up we took pictures of her with the little stuffed Easter bunny we brought her (the next best thing since we couldn’t find the bunny ears. We found out that Cathy had also tried to find bunny ears – who knew it would be so hard?) Then she slept a little more, she slept a lot in the hospital. (Here is a little background I haven’t mentioned yet. Since about the time she was one week old the main reason Abby stayed in the hospital was because she wasn’t eating enough on her own. They never even tried to feed her orally the first week – she was completely tube fed. It is hard for babies to learn to eat orally and harder the longer it takes before they get to try. In addition to needing to learn how she was very tired, she slept A LOT. The nurses would try to feed her for 30 minutes and any food she didn’t eat they would put in her tube. She fell asleep a lot during feedings and though they would try to wake her up they didn’t try as hard as I would. Abby had a whole team of doctors while at Cooks. She had a neuro team, a cardiologist, physical therapist, speech language pathologist, ENT specialist, anything you can think of she had it. They did tons of tests – EEGs, MRIs, hearing tests, swallow tests, blood tests, etc – again, anything you can think of, they did. She passed all her tests. Everything came back that she would be healthy – but you can’t do functional MRIs on infants so there was no way to be sure her brain was functioning properly. They were a little worried that her poor eating as well as her lack of cuing to eat may be indicative of other problems. And they also wanted to make sure she would eat enough before she left. It took a long time for her to eat enough for them to release her. It was also a lot of work.)

When she woke up again Ryan and I took turns holding her. We were about to leave, we had already stayed longer than we had intended, but then it was time for her to eat. They asked me if I wanted to feed her, and I did J.

I can’t think of a single time in my whole life that I just didn’t go to church. I have missed church because I have been out of town and driving and not able to make it to a church. And I have missed because I have been sick. That’s it – I always go to church. And taking the sacrament is the main reason to go. I knew that if I fed her for more than a few minutes we would be late and risk missing the sacrament. But feeding her was an important experience for me. It helped me to feel a little like her mom. It helped me to bond to her more. I decided Heavenly Father would understand if I missed some of church so I could have that experience with my daughter. So I fed her the whole bottle. We were running so late that we ended up going straight to the church and leaving Penny in the car. We barely made it in time for the sacrament and after it was passed we took Penny to Ryan’s parent’s.

Ryan’s parents gave Abby an Easter basket. His family was so super excited! They really wanted to go see her at the hospital but we didn’t want to ask if they could. We didn’t want to intrude on Cheyenne’s time with her beyond being there ourselves. I wished we could have Abby with us to celebrate the whole day of Easter, but at least we got to see her for a little bit.

Monday morning, around 10 or so I met Cheyenne and her dad (Michael, who we had met in December at a department Christmas party) at the hospital (Ryan was back at work.) It was good to get to know Michael better while we were there. It was his first time to see Abby since she was born and his first time to hold her. He was probably there for about an hour before he did. I enjoyed being at the hospital with Cheyenne because I liked being able to get to know her (and having her there was the only way I could be there) but it was a tiny bit awkward for me as well. I felt like I had to follow her lead. I would wait for her to greet Abby and hold her and everything. Wait until she offered to have me hold her. Cheyenne held her for a while first, then I did, then Michael.

One of the reasons Cheyenne and Michael came to the hospital at that time was to meet with the LDSFS case worker, Eric. (Pretty early on in our communication with Cathy and Cheyenne we found out that they hadn’t been super impressed with Gladney. They didn’t like their case worker, they knew how much adoptive couples paid but didn’t know where the money went as Gladney hadn’t covered ANY of their expenses (so they were covering the medical bills themselves), etc. What they did like was that Cheyenne could get free counseling for life whenever she needed or wanted it. We told her she could get the same through LDSFS, and that adopting through LDSFS would be about 1/3 the cost for us. And we would be able to take her home after placement instead of her going to a transition home (Cheyenne didn't want her to have to be passed around.) They had met with Eric I think Saturday night at their house and liked him much better than their Gladney case worker. So Eric worked things out with Gladney for the adoption to go completely through LDSFS.) I hadn’t seen Eric since we first started the adoption process but I had talked to him on the phone a few times since Friday. I was there when he came to talk to Cheyenne so I went in to the parent lounge so they could have some privacy. I had brought my text books with me so I could prepare my lectures for the next day (I still had about a month of school left at that point) but I had a hard time concentrating. Michael also came in after a few minutes. I asked him what he thought of the situation, what kind of involvement he wanted with the baby, and some other questions. It was good to have the opportunity to speak openly with him.

After Eric was done talking with Cheyenne he came and talked to me for a little bit. He told me Cheyenne was very determined to place, mostly because she felt like it was what she had to do. He told me she was tearful but that she was okay. He told me a little bit about the situation with Gladney. After he left I went back into Abby’s room.

I knew Cheyenne and Michael would be leaving soon because Cheyenne needed to get to a doctors appointment. I thought I would also be leaving at that time. They have pretty strict security in the NICU. They allow two people to register to be there whenever – they are the parents. Cheyenne and Cathy filled those roles. Then they could put on a list, I think, 6 people. They had put the couple that were supposed to adopt her, Michael, her Gladney case worker, and then Eric. So that left only 1 spot. The people on the list were allowed to visit without Cheyenne or Cathy being there but weren’t allowed to have visitors come. Anyway, since neither Ryan or I were on the list I knew I was supposed to leave when Cheyenne did. But Michael encouraged me to stay. The thought was that if they didn’t want me to be there without Cheyenne they would just ask me to leave. So I stayed. I was feeding Abby when they left and just kept feeding her. I worked really hard to get her to eat her required amount (60 mLs, which is 2 ounces, ¼ a cup). Once she was so asleep she wouldn’t eat any more I put her in her bed. I tried to prepare my lectures, but most of the time I would find myself watching her. I stayed the whole day. It was an incredible experience for me. When Cheyenne was there it was hard for me to feel like a mom, because I wasn’t – she was. Being there without her the nurses would talk to me when they came to check on her. I would feed her and pick her up and take care of her. Once while I was sitting in the room with just her, feeding her, I first felt a strong bond, when I first felt like I would be her mom, she was my baby. That is when the tears finally came for me. I felt filled with love and attachment and joy! It was really good. Nurses came in and out throughout the day and we would talk. I also got to see her cute little body for the first time while I was there when they changed her clothes and her leads (wire monitors). I only left when Ryan was on his way home. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get him access to come see Abby without Cheyenne there so I went home to meet him. I was sad for Ryan that he didn’t get to see her at all that day.

As soon as my family knew on Saturday that we would be adopting Abby they started to try to find flights so they could come meet her. Missy (my oldest siter) and my mom especially. Missy tried to get everyone to come the next weekend, which would have been so much fun. But there was so much uncertainty about when she would be released from the hospital. Ryan had talked to the doctor on Friday before I got there. The doctor said that it could take 2 days or 2 weeks, there was no way to know. I really wanted my family to come but would have felt so bad if they spent the money for a last minute ticket and then didn’t even get to see her. Still, on Monday Missy emailed and said she had bought a ticket and would be in Friday. And my mom was coming then too! I was excited. It would be Missy’s first time to visit us. I asked my family to pray for Abby that she would be able to figure out the eating thing so she would get released in time for them to see her. I also asked them to pray for Cheyenne – I knew it all was hard for her. I imagined she was fairly torn on wanting Abby released. I’m sure she wanted her to be healthy but at the same time knew that once she was released she wouldn’t get to see her every day, wouldn’t get to fill the role of mom entirely by herself. A hard situation.

Abby's Story - Part 3: Meeting Abby

The next day was Good Friday so Ryan had it off work. We had planned to go camping in Oklahoma so we were hoping we could go to the hospital in the morning, but we had to wait and see what Cheyenne thought of all of it.

We met Cheyenne at the hospital on Friday morning. Cathy had told me ahead of time to bring our IDs to be admitted to the NICU. We had been trying to get in contact with our LDSFS case worker to see how this possible adoption could work out with Cheyenne placing through Gladney but being it was a holiday weekend we weren’t sure we’d be able to. But Eric (our case worker) called as we were getting ready to walk out the door. So I was distracted. As soon as we got to the reception desk at the NICU I remembered I had not brought my ID. I was very disappointed – they would not let me in without it. So Ryan went back to the room with Cheyenne to get to know her and meet the baby. I waited about 20-30 minutes before I decided to just drive home and get my ID – Ryan wouldn’t be able to make such a huge decision on his own. So I left, but ended up heading the wrong direction and getting lost so in all Ryan was with them for about 1.5 hours before I joined them. It was sad for me – I would have liked to be there to see the first time Ryan held her. But it was good for Ryan to be able to develop a relationship with Cheyenne without me there so he could know he was comfortable with her, and with the baby.

When I got back to the hospital Ryan was holding her – it was still his first time holding her so I guess I didn’t miss it entirely. I have heard so many adoptive parents say the first time they held/saw their son/daughter they fell instantly in-love and knew this child was meant to be theirs. I had that expectation – that when I saw my child I would know it and feel it instantly. When I saw the baby and when I held her I enjoyed it, but I didn’t feel instantly bonded – I did not instantly feel that she was MY DAUGHTER, that I was meant to be HER MOM. This confused and disappointed me. I just didn’t feel anything more than when I held any other baby. Looking back I think this was largely because of the uncertainty – when other adoptive parents have the instant attachment feeling they already know the child will be there’s. I didn’t know this and was still pretty guarded about my feelings. I didn’t know what Cheyenne thought about us, I didn’t know how determined she was to place for adoption, I didn’t know if the birth father would try to get involved, I didn't know if there would be complicaitons with the Gladneys/LDSFS situation – we really knew very little. But as I said, my lack of feeling disappointed and confused me, and I was a bit embarrassed because I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew I wanted to be a mom and so I didn’t understand why I wouldn’t jump at the chance to adopt any baby offered. It was very emotionally confusing. And it took Ryan a while to decide what he wanted as well. We stayed at the hospital for a few hours – Cathy arrived after a while. I took our camera with us but since we didn’t even know if we would be her parents or not I didn’t end up taking any pictures.

After getting home we picked up Penny (our dog) and took her to a park to walk and talk. We were both confused and we talked about our concerns and hopes and everything. We wondered how our families would feel about us adopting a biracial child – we thought they would be fine with it, but didn’t know for sure. We called our parents to let them know about the possibility of adoption and ask their thoughts on her being biracial. Since we still weren’t sure what we would decide or what Cheyenne would decide we didn’t call anyone else. It is weird to think of adopting her as a decision – especially that it was a decision that took us more than a half second (since we had waited A LONG TIME to have kids), but it did, and now I am glad. I am glad that I chose her. I am glad that I chose to be a parent – when faced with the chance I thought again about all the life-style changes, about the cost (financially, physically, emotionally), about all of it (at least all I was capable of thinking about) and I CHOSE to do it. And not only did I choose to be a mom at that time, I chose to be HER MOM. Now when there are hard times I will remember that this was my choice. That helped me when I returned to my mission after coming home sick. I knew how hard missions could be and I chose to return, no one made me – that helped when I faced the hardest experiences of my mission. But even after deciding I didn’t feel the immediate joy and excitement that I thought I would – and that was embarrassing and so it took me a while to call people. Cathy sent us an email that night letting us know that Cheyenne liked us and that she would like to place with us:

Hi Amanda and Ryan,
Thank you for stopping by the hospital today and hanging out with Cheyenne and the baby. Cheyenne likes both of you and would like to proceed with the adoption only if you are interested. Cheyenne mentioned holding back on questions because she was worried about getting too attached to you. It was pretty devastating when the last family backed out. Again, we completely understand if you want to go with another baby.
Cathy

I replied to both Cathy and Cheyenne:

Thanks for letting us come by and take so much of your time. We enjoyed our time there and feel very comfortable with you all. It has been a long and emotional day and we are kind of wanting one more day to make certain that this feels right to us but we will definitely give you a call tomorrow and let you know what we are thinking. Cheyenne, if you do think of any questions please do feel free to email or call, we're happy to answer them. You are a strong and amazing girl and I pray that you will feel peace and comfort.

We didn’t feel like cooking that night so went out to eat. We talked about it some more. When we had called to tell Ryan’s parents they were at dinner (his mom instantly started crying) and so they called us back to learn more about it while we were at dinner. My parents were at the beach with 3 of my sisters and their families. I talked to my mom and she was excited and I talked to my dad and he was excited as well. I didn’t talk to anyone else since we still weren’t sure about things completely. We thought we would do it, planned to, but wanted to wait over night to make certain.

Saturday morning (we clearly didn’t make it on our camping trip since we didn’t know how available we needed to be) we walked Penny in the field behind our house and it was there that we decided with absolute certainty that we were going to do it. We knew we couldn’t tell Cheyenne that we were going to and then back out so we wanted to be 100% positive that regardless of what happened with the baby we were in, fully committed. And we were – so we called Cheyenne and told her that if she still liked us that we would love to adopt her baby. She asked if we would like to come see her again (as if to make sure it was what we really wanted.) I told her we did want to come see her but that I didn’t need that to be sure – we knew we did want to adopt her.

After that I called Maggi, my youngest sister – that is a happy memory. We talked for a few minutes, and then I told her. She instantly burst in to tears and asked me if I was serious. She could hardly talk. I told her about how it all happened and everything. I also told her I was kind of sad that I hadn’t had more time to prepare because I would have looked for milk donors for her. Maggi told me that she had been pumping 4 ounces a day since Liam was born last July for us – that there were 2 shelves in our mom’s freezer stocked with milk. I couldn’t believe it! She said she had started getting worried that we wouldn’t get a baby before her milk went bad so she would need to look to someone to donate to. Every night for over 9 months Maggi had been getting up just to pump for a baby that she didn’t even know would come – what faith and selflessness – she’s amazing! When we were done with our walk we got ready and headed to the hospital.

We called our parents to tell them we were going to adopt her. I called Heather (Ryan's sister) and Jenny (my sister just younger than me, who didn’t answer). At the hospital we took pictures with her for the first time. We stayed for an hour or two. Then came home to get to work. (I also called Mindy and Jenny on the way home – which was fun.) With no warning we didn’t have anything for her so we needed to get some things – but we didn’t know what we would need right away. So I called my family and we went to WalMart. We got diapers, bottles, onsies, blankets, night gowns, baby wash, and maybe a couple more things. We didn’t like any of their car seats (they actually only had one infant option) so didn’t get that. We also went to Target and Babies R Us to check things out – mostly looking at car seats but we were also looking for bunny ears she could wear for pictures the next day. We were unsuccessful however – all bunny ears had already been purchased.

Knowing I was going to be a mom

Holding his daughter

Daddy time

Cheyenne, Abby, and Cathy

One of our first family pictures

Abby's Story - Part 2: Why We Had The Opportunity To Adopt Her

When I went and talked with Cathy, my coworker, the next day (Thursday), I learned most of Abby's story up to that point - but not all. But even though I didn't learn all of this until later I will just include it all here.

Cheyenne, her daughter and Abby's birthmother, was young – 17. She had not yet graduated from high school and didn't have her driver's license. Because of these things, even though she would have LOVED to raise Abby herself, she knew she would not be able to provide for her so she was courageous and selfless and had chosen to place her for adoption. Through Gladney she had chosen an adoptive family from New York – they had a 4-year-old daughter I think. Cheyenne had become good friends with the mom as they Skyped and texted a lot. They had come for the baby’s delivery – she was born March 26th. During the delivery Abby's heart was not responding as it was supposed to – it did not rise and fall with the contractions like it should. She was also turned face –forward so after Cheyenne pushed for 3 ½ hours they ended up doing an emergency c-section. After they got her out they put a tube in to suck stuff out of her lungs, but they couldn’t get it all out so they had to put a bigger tube in. Once she was cleared out she still wasn’t even trying to breath on her own (her Apgar was only 2) so they did CPR, during which they collapsed one of her lungs. Once they got her stable they sent her immediately to Cooks Children’s Hospital. They kept her on a cold pack off and on for a long time to slow her body functions and decrease the likelihood of brain trauma.

The adoptive couple was there for all the complications and then saw her all hooked up to tubes and wires. The doctors told them what possible long-term effects could result from such trauma and they backed out –they said they were not prepared to take care of a special needs baby. They didn't even wait a day or even the few hours it would take to get back the initial tests. They just disappeared. They had been waiting to adopt for 2 years and then just gave up on it. Crazy!

Poor Cheyenne, she was in the hospital trying to recover from a fairly major surgery, was at a completely seperate hospital from her new baby, and her new "friends" who she thought loved both her and her baby, had backed out. After a few days Cheyennewas released from the hospital and started visiting Abby at Cooks. But Abby was hooked up to so many monitors and tubes and everything that she wasn't able to hold her until April 2nd, when she was a week old.

Although Cheyenne had told the birth father about her pregnancy he had shown little interest – he actually had another daughter born 3 months earlier. Her mom counseled her not to contact him any more so that he wouldn’t cause trouble with the adoption or anything else. In Texas a parent has 30 days from the birth to register their rights as parents. If they don’t do anything then after 30 days their rights are abolished. Since Cheyenne wasn’t in contact with him and didn’t want to ask him to sign his rights over right after the delivery the plan was to place the baby in a transition home for those 30 days at which time Cheyenne would relinquish her rights and the baby could be placed with the adoptive family. Because of this 30 day period I think Gladney didn’t feel any urgency in trying to help Cheyenne find a new adoptive family and Cheyenne was trying to recover physically and emotionally from it all. Cathy was talking to Ken (another assistant professor) about how they didn’t know what they were going to do since the adoptive family had backed out and he said something to the effect of “Amanda really wants a baby and you have a baby – maybe that would work out.” Cathy was highly skeptical that it could work out very easily but decided to contact us anyway. And that’s the point we were at on April 5^th.

She showed me some pictures of the baby, told me that Cheyenne had named her Jenai Marie and would like her to keep the name, that her “demands” were that she see the baby twice a year (on each of their birthdays), and that she wanted us to know that the baby is bi-racial (the birth father is black). So we ended the conversation with a plan for Ryan and me to go to the hospital the next day to meet her.

Pictures from her first few days - poor baby!

Abby's Story - Part 1: How We Found Out

I know it has been awhile since I first posted about our newest addition to our little family - our beautiful daughter Abigail, but we have been busy :). The story of how she joined us is a little long, (and quite amazing), so I will share it in a series of blog posts. This is about how it all got started for us.

Our journey to bring her into our life started YEARS ago, 6 1/2 actually, when we first started trying ot have children (or I guess it started when we got married 9 years ago, or maybe when started dating 10 years ago, or ... well you get the point). As you know, having children was not as easy for us as we would have liked. We went to doctors, did tests and treatments, felt that adoption was the way we would receive our children and so started the adoption process 2 1/2 years ago. We were never contacted by a single birth parent in that time.

On Wednesday, April 4th Ryan came home from work early because our new case worker was coming from LDS Family Services to meet with us. In the 2 ½ years we'd been trying to adopt we hadn't had a home study since the beginning. They have made a new policy that in addition to the $1000 that you pay to start the process you have to pay $300 each year to stay in it, and that doesn’t go towards your overall payment. So we weren’t sure what we wanted to do since we hadn't had any contact from single birth parents through the Itsaboutlove.com site. Well, that evening just a little before bed I checked my TCU email and saw there was an email from one of the assistant professors in my department. I met her the day I interviewed at TCU and have talked with her a few times – mostly at get-togethers or through email. This is what she said in her email: Hi Amanda,
I have a somewhat personal question to ask you. Ken was telling me today that you and your husband have been looking to adopt a baby for some time. Have you gone through an adoption agency, in particular Gladney? The reason why I ask is because my daughter (Cheyenne) gave birth to a girl last Monday. The adoption fell through and Cheyenne's looking for new adoptive parents. Everything is going through Gladney which would make things easier if you were going through them as well. I can meet with you tomorrow (Thursday) if you want to talk about things.
Thanks

As I read that my eyes filled with tears and I was all emotional. Ryan was watching me and asked me what was wrong but I could hardly speak. I have received emails before about a child that would be placed for adoption – at least 4 that I can think of. I’m always excited and then nothing happens. I was more excited as I read this email than I have been before, but at the same time I started guarding my feelings. I replied: Thanks so much for thinking about us. Yes, we have been trying to adopt for quite some time. We would love it if your daughter would consider us. We have a blog all about us for prospective birth parents to get to know us, it's www.choosingadoption.blogspot.com. We have been going through our church's adoption agency and have a profile there as well: https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23737905/ourMessage.jsf
My husband's sister actually works for Gladney (she handles international adoptions) but we haven't looked into adopting through them very much.
I would love to meet with you tomorrow. I teach from 9:30 until 2 but I get to my office around 7 am, so just let me know what time works for you.
Whatever your daughter decides please give her a hug for me. I have so much respect and admiration for birth parents. So hard, and so much love. I know Gladney has support groups and such but if she would like to talk to any other birth moms I know some who would be happy to talk with her.
Anyway, thanks again for thinking of us.

So Thursday after I was done with class and she was done with advising I went and talked with her for a little while. I was excited all day leading up to it and I enjoyed talking to her. She told me about how it came to be that this baby was available for adoption.

This was taken on April 1st - just a few days before we learned about her.

4th of July With Abby

Abby loves lights - I think most babies do. And she has not yet developed a fear of loud noises. So she loved 4th of July, she's a fan of fireworks. At the end of June we went with some friends (Alfredo and Emille Moreno) to Concerts in the Gardens. At the end of each concert there are fireworks. That was Abby's first exposure to them, and she watched the whole show with wide eyes. On July 3rd we went to another outdoor concert (at the Levitt Pavilion) that was followed by fireworks. Again, Abby loved the whole thing. On 4th of July Ryan's parents and Heather came over to eat and play games. We live kind of in the country, at least our neighbors think we do, and they do fireworks every night for the week leading up to the 4th and several days after (much to the dismay of poor Penny who is scared to death of them.) We watched them from our yard (some neighbors do really big ones) and then we walked around the neighborhood and watched more. We can also see the shows of several different cities (Texas is super flat so you can see far.) Abby never got tired of the fireworks. And she looked super cute in her patriotic clothes. See.....